Happiness is not a number on a scale

I am not saying you can’t have goals, goals are great and help motivate us to push ourselves and work harder than we are in our current situation. BUT we also need to make sure we are taking time in between those goals and we are appreciating ourselves for who we are right now.

I want to share with you a couple pictures of myself and give you a little background with them... No, I am not perfect about accepting myself throughout all my stages of life, but I have been aware of it for some time now and It hurts me when I hear other women talk about themselves the way I have talked about myself. I want to take some accountability and hopefully shed some light to help those reading this maybe think twice before saying negative things about their bodies... or help you appreciate what you have right now even if you want to be better, because the more negatively we talk about ourselves the more that will come true. We attract what we think about, so changing how we think can help us to stop judging those extra pounds on our hips and instead look deeper to why the pounds are there. To trying to understand why we have gained or lost weight and being kind to ourselves, having compassion for ourselves and supporting ourselves as we would do for a friend. So let me share a couple little stories with you.

This photo was me pregnant with my first child. I now have 3 and man has that changed my body sooo much. Luckily I was very blessed to have such amazing pregnancies physically; my body held them very well and I was able to be pretty physically active during them all. The emotional trauma is what you can’t see that affected me to have some major Post-Partum Anxiety and Depression. After each baby I struggled so bad with accepting myself as a mom, as a sexual being, as wife, as an individual, my bodily changes, the anxiety that now was controlling my life. I am so grateful for this photo and others I forced myself to take because it reminds me of what I have been through and how strong I am because of it. I am so grateful for the opportunity to have been able to be pregnant three times and my children are worth what I had to grow through- physically and mentally/emotionally to get to where I am today.

Second photo, this was after all my babies and I had reached a physical weight I had never been able to achieve. I was working my ass off in the gym and the kitchen.. I had support with a gym partner, I felt I had my life together, I had changed things in my life and was finally living life the way I wanted. I still suffer from anxiety and depression quite heavily but I had started therapy and was learning how to accept these parts of me and how to live with it instead of fighting it. Life was still hard but I was so proud of myself for reaching a goal of 134 pounds in 2019..

Third and fourth photo are some of my recent photos here in 2020. Right after all my hard work I did in 2019 I was only at that place for a short amount of time before life hit me again pretty hard and started affecting my state of mind. I have gone up in weight to 170 pounds, the heaviest I have ever been without being pregnant.. and I struggle sometimes with being too hard on myself and only seeing the pounds, until I either get reminded by amazing friends or remember myself that I need to look within and see what is going on. I didn’t gain this weight for fun or on purpose or on accident, either. I gained this weight because my body is trying to support me however it could as I was working on my emotional health. I lost motivation to dance, to workout in general. Depression hit me before Covid was around and that has only made it worse. I’m surprised I even got myself to take these photos, but am so grateful I did because I can see I am still beautiful and I can still be sexy and confident even when I didn’t think I could.

One day as I look back I’ll see this as such a huge turning point because I do know that I deserve to be celebrated at every stage in life.. My body is trying to support my spirit however it can and for me that’s extra weight.. So as I am emotionally healing I know that it will be hard for me to focus on my physical body but also know that I will be able to get back to a better balance in life after this healing is completed. For now I will make sure to appreciate me right now, and make sure I thank my body for carrying me through this time of life and how much I love and accept myself at every stage of life... not just the good.

I hope today after you have read this that you can look at yourself right now in the mirror and understand yourself a little better. Ask yourself why you are in this state right now... are you underweight? Overweight? Drinking more? Working out more? Watching TV all day? Working excessively? Whatever it is you're doing that might be more of a way to cope with things ask yourself why... Try to understand yourself more today... and then have compassion for yourself and what you need to do to help you get through life right now.. and then if things are unhealthy, make small plans to get you back on track but appreciate yourself through each step along the way. If you need help with a plan or seeing beneath the surface don’t feel alone, there are so many people that can help... you just need to ask.

Take time for you today.