I am a researcher by nature. I gather information, mull it over, think about all the scenarios and possible outcomes before making a decision. In some way, this gave me a sense of control in my life. I could predict how things would go, and if they fell into another scenario, well, I had already thought about that and could figure it out when that moment came.
For years, this system never failed me. So imagine my shock when my marriage of 13 years came crashing down around me. Infidelity, a much younger woman. Having to sell our home, divide assets, move myself and my children into a family member’s home. I was broken in every sense of the word. I remember feeling so helpless, so unloved. Until one night I was scrolling on my phone mindlessly when I saw an advertisement for a boudoir studio. I clicked on the pictures, suddenly so envious of the ladies in them. They looked so confident, so happy, so…beautiful. I figured it was some kind of magical camera trick or clever editing but I was hooked. And true to my programming…I started researching.
I started with following multiple studios on social media. I wanted to see their Behind the Scenes, the “before and afters” and of course all the sets and wardrobes! I mentioned to my friend that I was looking at studios and she mentioned Silk + Salt. I hopped on my phone and was immediately blown away! The pictures were stunning! The vibe was exactly what I was looking for. Pamela and Mateusz seemed to truly LOVE their job. I silently followed them, liking a post here and there for months. I kept thinking “those women are prettier than I am. Younger for sure. There’s no way I could look THAT good…unless..”
Unless I took that next step. At this point, I was healing from my divorce and trying to find who *I* was again. I took dance classes, I made jewelry, and with every new and scary thing.. I learned that new and scary usually meant new and exciting.
The next time Pamela posted about booking a shoot, I had a glass or 2 of wine and I took a deep breath and hit “book now”.
When I TELL YOU that I was wrapped up in so much support immediately I am not kidding. Pamela reached out to me with a welcome email, we booked a “pre-shoot” call with her and Mateusz to meet each other and talk about my expectations for the shoot. They emailed resources on self compassion, body image, pre-shoot planning and more. Every email made me more excited, and having Pamela so close (text, email, or a phone call away) was a life saver!
As my shoot approached I noticed I was getting more and more excited. I had told Pamela that I didn’t have a lot of “sexy” clothes and she assured me that I could bring anything I felt comfortable and pretty in, but that there was a FULL closet I could choose from, with all sizes and levels of spice. It took the “what will I wear” out of the equation.
The day of my shoot I showed up and Pamela met me at the door.. I was pampered with cozy robes, yummy snack plates and an amazing hair and makeup artist.
Pamela helped me pick out some great outfits and by the time we were ready to start taking pictures, all my nerves melted away.
I’ll spare you all the boring play by plays of the shoot but Mateusz was wonderful in helping me pose and move. I remember thinking that maybe.. Just maybe.. My pictures would look like the ones I had been stalking for months on social media. I left that day on cloud 9, feeling for the first time in a long time like a sensual beautiful woman. I couldn’t wait for my reveal.
When I headed back into the studio for my photos, I was back to that anxious “what if I just look silly” person.. Convinced that I wasn’t going to like the pictures because I was still working on liking ME.
Cue Pamela to save the day, again. Sitting on the couch with my hype woman, Suzy, Pamela pulled up my pictures and tears immediately formed in my eyes.
The person on the screen was me, stunning, soft, lovely ME. and for the first time since my divorce, I felt like I looked beautiful, desirable and amazing. Each picture made my heart sing. There I was, not the tired, stressed single mom. I was sensual, inviting, and beautiful. Mateusz captured me in so many ways, and for the first time in a long time, I felt really good about myself. And that magic I was so convinced was a camera trick or an editing hack? Well, that magic actually came from inside me and I just needed some help pulling it out.
I walked out of the studio a changed woman. The confidence that booking a shoot gave me can’t be measured. While I still have healing to do, looking at these photos reminds me that I am strong, and capable, but I am also soft and gentle. Sometimes you need a reminder that you are both.
