They're Not Just Photographs
March 18, 2019
By: MATEUSZ JAGIEŁŁO
I started pretty early, around the age of 5. I continued practicing everyday throughout school, all 12 grades. I even left my home, family, and friends, to study in the United States, and I finished my junior and senior year in the States. That was not enough, though. I continued my studies through my bachelor’s, master’s, and even a semester of my doctorate degree.
The thing is, that it wasn’t photography I was studying. It was music. Since I can remember I was learning how to play piano. At the age of 7 I started horn as well. I was born in Poland and that meant that I had the opportunity to study music in an actual music school if I could only get in. This is exactly what happened just before I entered the first grade.
New ParagraphOn paper it sounds like it is a dream come true – who doesn’t love music?! Being able to study it, play an instrument, and eventually perform and earn a living by doing music sounds like a lot of people’s dream. Unfortunately, as it often is, reality is far from the glorified vision of that profession.
Year 2009 was a very important year for me personally for many reasons. This was the year I left Poland to come to northern Michigan to study at an international art school, where creative writers, musicians, dancers, actors, visual artists, filmmakers, and all other sorts of kids with special talents could study together and push themselves to become who they want to be.
Here is where my problem finally started to shape itself. Who DO I WANT to be? Musician was the obvious answer given to me by family, teachers and peers who had been alongside me my whole life. But was it something I truly and personally wanted? It was a part of me since I could remember. It was impossible for me to make a fully conscious decision about who I was or wanted to be when I was only 5 or 7 years old. Music didn’t feel like a hobby or passion; it felt like a part of life, maybe even a chore.
When I joined that incredible school, their slogan at the time was “I am an artist”. They had this promo video made where different students would say what they do there. “I am a musician”, “I am a writer”, “I am a dancer”, “I am a painter”. At the end of the video they all came together to say, “I am an artist”. I remember this video very well because when I heard these last words, something struck me. It was the reality and a conscious understanding of what was going on in my life.
Music is obviously an art form but there is a big disconnect between how it is perceived and how it is actually made. Musicians are artists but there is very little artistry going on in what they do. There are “standards” and you put years and thousands of hours into practice so that you can fit within these standards. There are very few true artists nowadays, not only in the classical music world but also in other genres like pop or rock. To make the ultimate performer dream come true and either win an audition to a major orchestra or win a big solo competition, you need to be able to execute the expectations that are set before you perfectly.
Art cannot be objectively judged, that would contradict the whole purpose of an artist’s expression. But music, like a lot of other art forms, became a modern job. Where you have a boss and it really doesn’t matter what you have to say. All you need to do is follow the orders, and the better you can do it, the more secure you can be at your work.
This struck a very big cord with me for many years. I always celebrated artists who were allowed to express themselves or their thoughts in a way that was original, unconventional, and would speak to others in a much deeper way. Yet, this is the total opposite of what we were taught to do.
It really doesn’t matter what you feel. It doesn’t matter what you think something should be. There is a textbook, a teacher, a standard, and expectation, and you need to follow it to the very letter. If you don’t, you don’t get the job, you don’t get to fulfill your dreams, and you must settle for something else that will never fill the void of your whole life spent reaching for something that most probably was not even actually made for you in the first place, because to do it you must do something that does not operate on the same frequency as you do.
Photography has been something I always wanted to do. Visual art is my favorite medium, and I always put a lot value on the visual aesthetics of movies, photographs, buildings, posters, etc. I was very jealous of visual artists because they often were celebrated for breaking the rules and standards that the masses usually follow. I felt that they were truly free to do what they believed in and instead of being discouraged, they were often rewarded for it.
When I was finishing my master’s degree I found myself deeply depressed due to the constant failures in my musical development in recent years. If you’ve ever been depressed you know how I felt, when nothing made sense, there was no light at the end of the tunnel, and I had no idea what the fuck I should do with my life.
That is when 3 amazing things happened in my life. I finally married a woman who I love with my whole heart, I started Krav Maga training, and I decided to finally buy a camera.
I spent all my savings from that year and I bought myself a shiny new camera with a couple of simple lenses. For months before I was actually able to buy the camera, I was so excited by the prospect of buying it that I spent the whole summer watching dozens of hours of videos on photography, gear, and things that I found inspiring. I immediately knew that I wanted to create portraits – of loved ones, friends, strangers. My whole life I’d been mesmerized by the uniqueness of every individual. My camera became my way of capturing each “soul”, allowing each unique individual to see themselves the way that I see them.
This is when the most wonderful thing happened. “I had no idea I could look like that!”, “I love this picture and how I look, I cant stop looking!”, “I was afraid of having photos of me taken but I am very happy I convinced myself to allow you to take pictures of me. For the first time I am liking photos of myself”, “Oh my god, I look like a model! How is this even possible?”
I have never felt stronger, more fulfilled, or happier. This is something I have always wanted to do, and finally I have found the medium that worked perfectly for me. I finally discovered a way to help others while helping myself. I saw the power photography could have over people’s lives. The power that could start a very positive change in their own personal lives. A change that gave strength. Power that allowed them to stop looking for acceptance, validation, or applause from others. I could show others what I saw in them, which often is not what they see themselves. Too often their vision is blocked by the noise of people who don’t care for seeing and cherishing beauty in others.
PC: Casey Marquez
There are many reasons to have your portrait made. The first is to heal. In the digital age we are surrounded by judgement on every side. Comments, likes, shares. Doesn’t matter if we want to compare ourselves with others or not. Our subconscious mind will do it for us anyway. But healing also applies to much more threatening and close dangers than the digital world. Abusive relationships, families, “friends”, where often not only words but actions hurt us mentally and physically. Healing starts not with changing the environment, because often even if you get out, you will end up in almost the exact same place again. It must start within you. The vision of who you are. Who you TRULY are. Not who other people want you to be.
The second big reason to have your portrait made is to reward yourself. You are always the first person to help others. You never think about yourself, you always put everybody else first. Because of that you perhaps have forgotten who you are. When you give too much of yourself, sometimes you can lose yourself. Allowing somebody to help you find yourself again is not only good for you, but also helps you to continue to fulfill your personal mission of giving of yourself to others. It is dangerous to give all and keep giving when there is very little left.
Finally, the third reason is to celebrate who you are. You understand your value, you are very happy with who you are and where you are. Sharing this extremely good feeling is very important. It is contagious and by celebrating it, you are opening the doors for other people to see the power of self-love. Other people can use your strength to help themselves stand up straight and walk a much better path.
I am not just taking photographs. I am not interested in that. There are enough pretty pictures out there in the world. What I am interested in is you. Your story. Through poses, lighting, lens choice, wardrobe choice, I want to show you yourself in a way that will make you feel beautiful, strong, valuable, unique, and very important. Because you are the only you out there, and when you forget it you are robbing the world of an incredible gift.
This is my story. Now you know a bit more about me and why I do what I do. Now I would love to meet you and create something only two of us could create together.
