THE RISE OF THE PHOENIX
March 13, 2020
MS. J | OGDEN, UT BOUDOIR PHOTO SHOOT
This shoot couldn’t have been more perfect from beginning to end. I decided to do a Phoenix theme for mine because of the transformation I went through this past year. I used to be a shell. Took on whatever personality suited those around me, and never really had one of my own. Even my beliefs changed depending on who I was with. I went from mask to mask just to please people, leaving myself in the dark.
I was always the first person to help when someone needed a hand or ear. Always someone everyone could rely on, but otherwise left alone. Even when I was surrounded by people, I was alone. That intensified a little over a year ago when I was raped while celebrating getting out of the worst depressive episode I’d ever experienced. I’d never had sex, and was raped by one of my best friends and a man she called over while I was so drunk I couldn’t even sit up.
That betrayal hurt. It hurt so much that I spiraled down, crashed through Hell, and kept going. Wherever I reached out for help, everyone always had more important things to do or worry about. They all told me to get over it and move on because I was strong enough to. Being raped didn’t break me. Being shown how alone I truly was did.
I fought to find a reason to stay alive, but after being pushed aside by everyone in my darkest moments for an ETERNITY in just a handful of months, I let go. I was angry, lost, and broken to the point where I wasn’t scared anymore. I wasn’t scared of ANYTHING.
Phobias I’ve had all my life, weren’t even enough to make me flinch. It just wasn’t worth it anymore, and I finally decided to end my life. But before went, I was going to say and do whatever the hell I wanted before then. Live a little, ya know?
So I did and surrendered to the flame, but instead of dying in the fire I was reborn. Within the last year, I’ve changed completely… I’m not cowardly or timid, or scared to speak up. I’m not scared of my strength or being honest! And that’s what this shoot represents. My transformation through flames.
Going into it, I was scared to death. Because my body is MINE! And I wasn’t about to give it to ANYONE... But no one took my body. They didn't even focus on it. They rejoiced and celebrated ME. As a whole. I was so comfortable with everyone there (Pam, Mat and EJ) that I didn't even need to hide in the bathroom to do any costume changes. And it was as normal as breathing.
This shoot was fun! Exciting! Comfortable! And all about celebrating me. The EXPERIENCE alone was enough to make me feel Strong. Beautiful. Powerful. Happy. Alive. And Worth it. I'll be honest though, I'm not settling for just the experience because I'm greedy those pictures are too damn perfect.
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Change Your Tune with our very own Mateusz!
I am a researcher by nature. I gather information, mull it over, think about all the scenarios and possible outcomes before making a decision. In some way, this gave me a sense of control in my life. I could predict how things would go, and if they fell into another scenario, well, I had already thought about that and could figure it out when that moment came.
Boudoir photography has long been celebrated as a powerful way for individuals to embrace their sensuality, self-confidence, and beauty. While it’s often associated with women looking to create intimate gifts or celebrate milestones, boudoir photography is for everyone. For those with disabilities, participating in a boudoir shoot can offer even more profound, life-changing benefits. It can become an empowering act of self-love, a way to celebrate your body, and an opportunity to reclaim your sense of agency and confidence. If you’re living with a disability, whether visible or invisible, a boudoir photo shoot can help you see yourself in a new light and appreciate your body in ways you may not have considered before. Below are some of the many benefits of doing a boudoir photo shoot with a disability.
