“For me, beauty is very much a double-edged sword...

This experience was later followed by a 10 year toxic, abusive marriage where beauty meant still meant heavy makeup, only this time it was desperately trying to cover up bruises and black eyes. Beauty was also trying to accomplish the impossible- I could never be skinny, pretty, sexy, or smart enough for him. I was constantly called horrible names; he would belittle me, call me dumb and constantly attack my character by accusing me of cheating on him when he was the one who was cheating. He would break personal items of mine and destroy things in our home that were important to me, including several family heirlooms and other sentimental items that are invaluable to me as a way to intimidate and scare me. Through all of it, he blamed me for everything- I made him angry, I made him drink, I made him hurt me, and I made him cheat. But I absolutely did none of those things.  Being a victim of domestic trauma and coping with PTSD is intrinsically complicated. My mind is permanently stained with memories that will probably haunt me forever. I regularly suffer from flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts.  Simple things like music videos, movie scenes and news reports catapult me into emotional distress. I did not ask to be a victim of domestic violence. I HATE the word “victim” because I want to be strong and brave, not broken anymore. He violated everything I knew about marriage, love, respect and fidelity. He took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my security and my own voice, until now. After 4 years of court proceedings and his inevitable conviction, I finally got to have my voice heard. 

Today... I am happy, healthy and safe. I am blessed to be loved beyond measure by a man who respects and protects every fiber of my being. As I rediscover myself by peeling away the damaged layers, underneath all this, what I really want is to LOVE and feel LOVED. Through my life’s lessons, heartache and pain I’ve learned that true beauty goes way beyond our reflection in the mirror. I try very hard to pay attention to those things that open my heart, that allow me to FEEL and experience beauty in its purest forms– a breathtaking sunset, a perfect rose, a moving piece of music, whatever it is that signifies “beauty” to me. As a human, beauty for me means feeling comfortable in my own skin, embracing my uniqueness and finding strength in my emotional scars and imperfections. It’s understanding the power I have within me to harness my beauty through confidence and make an impact on the lives of those around me. Being compassionate and loving towards everyone, even complete strangers and those who have hurt me in the past, that is beauty. Not only speaking of doing good things, but having your actions match your words, that is beauty. Having a gentle and kind heart, that is beauty. True beauty undeniably comes from within.” -Ms. N