LOVE Your Body? Or Acceptance? by Stephanie Parry

My 12-year-old self asked my Mom, later in the kitchen, "Why do I have boobs? Can't I get them removed or make them smaller?" 

She laughed. "Don't worry; you'll love them when you're married." 

I got the message. My breasts were not for me; they were for someone else. 

I never recovered from the feeling of embarrassment and self-loathing I developed for a body part I never wanted. My breasts were more prominent than most girls my age, I matured early, and for many years they were the source of public ridicule, shame, and sexual harassment. I grew to hate them even more over the years. 

"It's not fair you have the kind of boobs I want." 

"I would kill to have those. How can you not like them?"

"You're lucky you have big boobs. We're not all that blessed. You should be grateful." 

"You aren't pretty enough to have big breasts." 

These were only some of the messages I received from girls my age who ridiculed and shamed me for something I didn't choose. I didn't know how to handle this kind of shame. 

I still sometimes feel fear and repulsion from the boy who hugged me too tight, so I couldn't breathe while he fondled my breasts. Or the boy who grabbed my breasts hard when he walked up to me in high school in between classes. When I attended a church dance wearing a bodysuit, my outfit was inappropriate because it was 'suggestive.' If I had been flat-chested, my outfit would not have been a problem. But everywhere I went, my breasts were shameful and part of public property. I hated how my breasts were always gawked at before anyone ever actually looked at my face. 

Soon, I was married. However, love for my breasts still didn't come. I know my husband received enjoyment from them, but I still wanted them to be smaller or removed. 

Then, something unique happened. I gave birth to my first baby, and even with enormous struggles and a terrifying early start to life, I breastfed her. The bonding, the closeness, and the nourishment from the Mother’s Milk she received brought a joy I had never known. My breasts had a biological function, and I was grateful for them. They produced something life-giving and nourishing for this tiny human I had barely survived to raise. 

My breasts were still too large and uncomfortable, filled with milk. Over time, I had to learn how to feed my babies without suffocating them. I still wanted them to be smaller. The feeling of love my mother promised never arrived, but the admiration for my breasts overwhelmed me. I learned we all have mammary glands and similar nerve endings in our breasts, regardless of gender, and learning about the biological functions of my body gave me an appreciation I had not experienced before. I still didn't love my breasts or body, but I knew it performed some great functions for myself and my babies.

Body positivity was all the rage at the time of my early mothering. Body positivity is the belief we should love our bodies no matter what they look like, and especially if our body meets society's standard of what is considered unacceptable. If you meet society's standard of beauty (my large breasts, for example), society teaches us we are not allowed to hate or have feelings of disgust for our bodies. Society shames and requires us to adopt a specific body image or requires us to love ourselves if we don't. I certainly tried to love my body. I did all the affirmations, tried the special diets, told myself how beautiful I was, etc. None of that hokey stuff worked. I never could love what I didn't want, and lying to myself didn't produce different feelings; it just contributed to a battle with how I truly felt. 

What I hadn't learned about and have now begun to understand is body neutrality is what I experienced. Body neutrality is the ability to appreciate and recognize what your body can do for you and others. It is the realization of the function it provides in all its forms. 

Soon, I was able to see the other ways my body worked every day to bring me health, joy, and pleasure. I could hold my babies in my arms and calm them. I could sing to them and lull them into a deep sleep. I could run, dance, swim, and feel energized with endorphins. I could carry a baby within my uterus and birth a human being. I could soothe someone who is sick and help them feel safe and warm. I could eat food I like, and my body would digest it. My brain could read and learn and write and share. I could use my body and all of my senses to have sex with my lover and bring us both to ecstasy. I could touch my own body all on my own and bring myself to orgasmic joy. My body could genuinely work in unique ways. 

What does your body do for you? What are the ways your body works for you every day? We are different in many ways. Some of us can't do the same things for many reasons, as we all don't look the same, but our bodies can do something to keep us alive, help us move and live, and allow us to love others.

Does this mean you will love the way your body looks? Not necessarily but appreciating the functions your body performs is the key to accepting your body as it is now, even if that acceptance leads to a change you want to make for your body to look different. 

How is your relationship with your body? What are the things you tell yourself about how your body feels and moves, and functions? Notice your own brain patterns and the words you tell yourself. Pay attention to the feelings you have. Practice awareness and compassion for yourself as you are right now, even if you want your body to be different in some way. 

Something shifted for me when I began to practice thanking my body. It felt silly at the time, and I wasn't clear what I was even doing. But I was tired of the self-hatred battle and wanted to feel better. 

One afternoon, during a time of intense depression and self-loathing, I wrapped my arms around myself as I sat naked on my cold, hard bathroom floor. I told the different parts of my body, "Thank you for growing my babies. Thank you for digesting my food. Thank you for letting me hold someone and kiss and love. Thank you for letting me walk and run. Thank you for letting me see gorgeous sunsets and beautiful oceans. Thank you for the music I can listen to soothe my soul and the songs I can sing. Thank you for the ecstasy and the orgasmic bliss." I focused on each part of my body. I didn't miraculously become a perfect model of beauty as society says I should after that. However, something shifted inside me as I accepted that it was alright not to like a body part. It was acceptable to feel that something didn't belong. It was ok not to like the way my body looked and still appreciate what it has done for me.

We can feel the way we do about our bodies, and it is alright even to want them to feel or look different. Unfortunately, society has conditioned us to believe we should all look a certain way or love ourselves if we don't meet the standard. 

Our bodies are not the problem. How society taught us to view our bodies is the real issue. We are not our bodies. The body we have is NOT who we are at our core. It has been our home for a time. We are allowed to feel at home in our bodies no matter what they look like, even if the parts of the body we have do not feel like home to us right now.

Even though I accept my body's functions and appreciate them, I may not love the way my breasts look and still want them to be different. I don't have to share society's view that my breasts are perfect because they fit society's standard of beauty. Instead, I can embrace the neutral position of gratitude for my body and the parts I own right now. 

When my breasts change to how I want them to look, I will continue to be grateful for their function and the pleasure they bring me. 

And maybe I will love the way they look, too. 

Stephanie Parry is a poet, writer, and editor. As a lover of nature, she is an Eclectic Witch. She is a Certified I AM Yoga Nidra Practitioner and loves to help others heal with this sleep-based meditation practice. She spends her time reading great books, visiting the ocean, helping others with connection, practicing yoga, and enjoying the many delights of life. Nature is her religion, and love and sex is her worship. She wants to experience it all. More of her writing can be found on her Instagram account at @stephanie_parry_writer and on Medium : https://stephanieparry.medium.com. She also writes on Elephant Journal at https://www.elephantjournal.com/profile/stephanie-parry/.  More of her writing can be found on her website at www.wordsofstephanieparry.com. She can be contacted at stephanieparryauthor@gmail.com.