I was 34 years old when I touched myself for the first time.
Before that, I spent decades in self-denial, raised with the belief that my body belonged to someone else. I accepted the patriarchal teachings that sex and pleasure for myself was something to be given by my husband someday. I learned at an early age to not touch myself in a loving way and to wait until I was married to allow my body to be turned on sexually by another person, and never by my own hand.
Was it any wonder why I hated and loathed my body, and myself?
I entered my marriage as a virgin and had a somewhat satisfying sex life. Yet, I could feel something was missing. As our children arrived, I observed them, in their innocence, naturally touch themselves, as they grew and developed, without any feelings of shame or guilt.
My children were without guile, open and loving. I began to wonder what was so very wrong about their self-pleasure. Why did we teach children to stop doing something which causes no harm to anyone else or themselves? Was it so evil to touch oneself and feel pleasure at your own hand?
As I began to question my beliefs, I found myself wondering about all the societal and religious programming I had been conditioned with to feel body and sexual shame.
How would I know what helps me achieve sexual satisfaction if I don’t even know the workings of my own body personally and must rely on another person to teach me about my own self?
Did my self-loathing and disgust with my body have anything to do with my own lack of ability to touch myself and my lack of familiarity with my own physical body?
Did my struggle with acceptance have any connection to the lack of loving touch I could have been giving myself but was not given permission for?
And one day, everything changed.
One dark and difficult afternoon, I sat alone, overwhelmed with fear and pain at the lack of acceptance for the bag of bones I carried around with me.
I had brought six beautiful human beings through this body I struggled to accept. I had loved, held, cried, and laughed with this body. Yet somehow, I was still hurting and disconnected from myself.
As I cried for the lack of love I longed for, I found myself doing what I would do for a friend in need. I put my arms around myself and enveloped my body in a hug as tight as I could manage.
Then, I took myself to my bed and I laid there and explored my entire body—the body I had been afraid of and ashamed to touch. I reached every place I had only reserved for someone else and had not allowed for myself. I felt every sensation and nerve ending and breathed into every moment without judgment for the first time in my life.
As I fully pleasured myself for the first time, shame was released. It was glorious.
In the privacy of my own room, I uncovered the secret we weren’t taught or allowed to embrace as children … my body and sexual pleasure belong to me.
As I began to cultivate regular self-pleasure, I learned and experienced the health benefits I didn’t know existed for a practice I hadn’t been allowed to embrace.
Much research has been done to prove masturbation is good for our brain and continued sexual health.
Some accepted health benefits include a cascade of hormones and chemicals that provide a natural high:
*Dopamine (our brain’s reward)
*Endorphins (natural pain killer)
*Serotonin (calming effect)
*Oxytocin (hormone of love)
Regular, focused self-pleasure not only serves to give our own body some much needed attention, but it also provides a chemical cocktail to stabilize our mood, enhance pleasure, minimize stress, and provide feelings of wellbeing.
Maybe children understand something intrinsically that we have been conditioned to feel shame for and reject due to societal expectations?
How intuitive nature has provided, literally, at our own fingertips the ability to bring sensual healing to our own selves. We can explore and experience such loving kindness for ourselves in our way and with our own loving hands.
Love and sex begin with our self. Before we can be a good lover to another, we must know how to be a lover to ourselves.
How does it feel when we touch our body? How do we surrender and respond to our touch? Do we meet each feeling with curiosity?
Make sounds, cry out, groan, scream. Relax. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Release into your hands. Let go of tension in your mouth and relax your jaw.
There is no right way. Sweet surrender is in whatever way feels good and safe.
When we enjoy the pleasure we give, we learn how our own body responds and we can open to others in a more eager, willing way. Learning how our body functions and what we enjoy will help us understand ourselves to better receive and give love.
How can we fully give to another if we struggle to know or understand how we love to be touched? How can we help our lover to know and dance with us in a day that is fulfilling if we don’t know what our body needs and wants all on its own?
We can explore, learn, and taste the deliciousness of our own bodies, revel in the miracle of our own safe touch, feel our unique response as we rise, and pour love into parts of ourselves we have been taught to reject. When I unlocked a passionate, shameless person, I was able to love myself and others more freely.
Regular self-pleasure challenges cultural sexual notions. This pleasure belongs to us and is in our control. As I symbolically released arbitrary rules about my body and sex, I discovered the truth.
Self-love is the greatest act of rebellion.
While embracing acceptance of my own body with my loving hands, I released feelings of unworthiness. No longer was I ashamed of the erotic, sexual, desires which are my birthright.
I found freedom as I uncovered the biggest secret of all…
Shame-free sex with myself and others is transcendent, life altering, and worshipful.
This is the key to healing and enlightenment.
For as we love ourselves, we can experience true bliss and eternal life here, in the now…
On Earth.
Stephanie Parry is a poet, writer, and editor. As a lover of nature, she is an Eclectic Witch. She is a Certified I AM Yoga Nidra Practitioner and loves to help others heal with this sleep-based meditation practice. She spends her time reading great books, visiting the ocean, helping others with connection, practicing yoga, and enjoying the many delights of life. Nature is her religion, and love and sex is her worship. She wants to experience it all. More of her writing can be found on her Instagram account at @stephanie_parry_writer and on Medium : https://stephanieparry.medium.com. She also writes on Elephant Journal at https://www.elephantjournal.com/profile/stephanie-parry/. More of her writing can be found on her website at www.wordsofstephanieparry.com. She can be contacted at stephanieparryauthor@gmail.com.
