Cultivating Self-compassion this Valentine's Day
It’s February, the month of love and showing appreciation for your loved ones. For Valentine’s Day this year, I want to encourage you to focus on showing love and support for your body. So often people get stuck thinking they will have the perfect relationship or love life if they “lose weight” or change an aspect of their appearance. In addition to focusing on romance with others, I want to encourage you to think of how you could show love and appreciation for yourself and your body. This Valentine’s Day, I am challenging all the readers to complete a 10-day self-compassion challenge. This will be for those of you who want to make one intentional step a day towards self-acceptance.
Day 1: Watch a video from Kristen Neff’s self-compassion to learn a little more on the subject. https://self-compassion.org/ After watching this video, write down a few ways you will work on cultivating your own self-compassion this month. Spend some time writing down a few of the areas you struggle with the most, and the barriers preventing you from developing compassion and kindness for yourself.
Day 2: Pick something that is self-care related and spend at least an hour alone doing something you like because you deserve to do something for yourself. Self-care nourishes the soul and body together, pulling the focus toward mindfulness when life becomes too overwhelming. This could look like reading a book for pleasure, taking a relaxing bath, painting/creative space time, or spending time on a hobby. Self-care is a concept that often gets lumped into self-compassion, however self-care is more about taking care of yourself. It is more about making sure your needs are met vs. being compassionate/kind to yourself. These practices go hand in hand. When your basic needs are being met, your brain has the foundation it requires to form kind thoughts and feelings about yourself.
Day 3: Focus on socializing with friends and loved ones. Spend the day chatting about things that bring you closer to the person and further away from diet/body talk. Try making a connection with this person and calling them out or yourself out if you start engaging in any kind of body shame talk. Share with them how this kind of talk doesn’t help your views of yourself long-term. Bonding with loved ones is easily overlooked with the prevalence of the internet. We may believe we are more connected than we are. Plan a day out with a friend or group of friends who give you energy, love, and support.
Day 4: Pick one way you will focus on moving that helps you feel connected to your body and the way it feels rather than exercising for body control or to change the way you look. Notice how different it feels to move your body in ways that feel good. Write down your experience and start to ask yourself how this feels different and how you would like to change your exercise habits in the future. Try to emphasize movement that brings you joy in your new exercise regimen.
Day 5: Dedicate the whole day to catching your self-critical responses. Make a list of the things you say to yourself that are negative or self-shaming and write it down. This is an important activity to help change negative self-talk. It may sound easy, but people are often shocked to find the frequency with which they shame their bodies. This personal shame is typical if they feel like they made a mistake, when they look in mirrors, or when they have an argument with a loved one. Recognizing this self-critiquing is the first step to replacing it with appreciation and love for yourself.
Day 6: Take that list and think about how you would speak to a friend, child, partner, or parent. Would you feel differently if they were saying these things to themselves? Would you ever speak to someone else this way? How do you think it impacts your self-esteem if you are consistently talking about yourself in this way? Research has shown that over time, self-critical thoughts heavily impact self-confidence. It shows that people who criticize themselves often isolate themselves more and engage in more damaging behaviors for their mental health. This may sound like a small step, but it has an incredibly positive impact over time.
Day 7: Try a body image exposure! Try wearing something you have always wanted to but maybe you were too anxious, or worried about what people would think of your body. This could be getting a new outfit or trying an entirely new style. Even though this is scary, people often feel empowered after engaging in this activity. Jes Baker, the founder of the Annual Body Confidence Conference, said the first time she wore a crop top she felt vulnerable and unnatural. At the end of the day, she was surprised by how great she felt. She says you don’t have to wear a crop top, but breaking conventional rules and wearing something you would never try before can provide you with confidence.
Day 8: Write an appreciation letter of the things your body allows you to do. Express your gratitude in this body appreciation letter. Some possible prompts could be “What does my body allow me to do that helps me be closer to my loved ones?” “What about my body am I most appreciative of?” “What is an activity I like to do that my body helps me enjoy? (i.e., a sport, a date, time with family, etc.)” Keep this letter in an accessible place and continue to add to it as you are reminded of things you are appreciative of. Be sure to pull this letter out when you are struggling with your body image!
Day 9: Share with a loved one the things you have learned about your experience while trying to bring in more self-compassion. Tell them some of the things you have been working on from day one and some of the aspects of the self-compassion video that you are incorporating into your life. Express which aspects of this challenge helped the most.
Day 10: Try giving a gift to yourself! Book a photoshoot, a spa day, or some kind of gift to yourself to celebrate YOU. Too often people struggle to feel like they “deserve” any kind of gift to themselves. This is a challenge to those out there to book something and spend some of their time, money and energy focused completely on themselves.
The typical focus on love for others is the biggest reason I want to challenge readers this Valentine’s Day. Let’s draw the focus inwards. I want to encourage you to ask yourself what you can do to show love, care, and compassion towards yourself. Love and appreciation of yourself and your body is the most important foundational step for you when building your self-worth and confidence. Take this holiday and spend the time celebrating love for yourself and working towards showing yourself the same love and compassion you show to others.
Deanna Smith, LCSW
This blog is not meant as therapeutic advice, rather to provide education. If you or a loved one is struggling with disordered eating, or body image issues know that there are many educated qualified mental health therapists and dieticians who are well-versed in these complicated issues. Please seek therapeutic & nutritional support if disordered eating or body image concerns are impacting your life.
